The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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