I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
