why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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