my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
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