You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
What a fucking waste of an outfit
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
