the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
