Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
