I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
