I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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