her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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