I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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