I think I died a long time ago.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
