Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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