I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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