How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
