my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
