Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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