I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
