new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This is the high leading the old right now
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
