you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
