i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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