what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
