Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
