I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
