Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
