When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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