he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
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