I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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