i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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