he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
