The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
