Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
