and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
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All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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