I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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