kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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