There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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