she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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