White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
