if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
