I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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