careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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