I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
try to milk me bitch
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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