Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
