I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
