My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Is Oprah even human
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
