he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
