I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
