I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
