I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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