there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
