Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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