I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
