I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
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She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
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GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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